To Give Up Or Not - Lack Of Reciprocity

I came across something that made my heart hurt and my stomach drop all at once. Sometimes I wonder why I go after things that just don't seem to be for me. Especially when it comes to love and relationships. Reciprocity is a word I have never seemed to be able to experience. Be it, someone feeling me and I'm not feeling them or vice versa. At times it gets a bit heartbreaking. And maybe a bit is an extreme understatement for it. Maybe I was foolish to believe I could actually have that person. I'm not sure... seeing what I saw was almost like a slap in the face simply because I have been trying and GENUINELY so. I'm no boppin chic, I'm no groupie, I'm no gold digger. I have Gold of my own and it is within my heart. All I want is for that chance or opportunity to give and receive love in the purest way possible outside of myself and God. I've been learning that true love has to start from within and it has indeed resonated there. Seems like that's all there is. Just love of self, friends, and family. And not that, that type of love isn't good enough. It is great and I appreciate all of those who love me in that way. However, sometimes it gets lonely not to have someone to share with on a romantic level.

I think over the time I have been on this earth I've never really seen or felt what true reciprocity feels like. I guess it is just Human Nature for one person to always be one step ahead of the other when it comes to romantic feelings. Or simply be confused as to how to love or care for a person. If I can't be on the exact same page with someone, it would be nice to be at least in the same chapter. Things like this make me self conscious at times, like maybe I am just not good enough. A plain jane girl who loves sneakers, with natural hair. I guess I'm just not this model type chic that people seem to adore. Ehh, I guess I am rambling on now... He obviously doesn't care nor see my genuine intent.

To top it off... I think back to a time where I gave two people my love who didn't deserve it. I guess I always knew all along that they didn't. I just truly hoped they would see where my heart and head were at. Now I just feel even more battered and bruised. The result of this is just to be completely shut off when it comes to romantic feelings. It's easier that way I guess.

They say "The matters of the heart are a crazy affair." YEAH I AGREE

-HeartBreak Kid

Song on my Mind...

Something I Had to Share - The Alchemist/A Dream Of Mine

So I've been going on a Spiritual Retreat within myself reading and learning different things in search of my most pure self and also trying to get closer to God and what his purpose is in my life. One of my fellow poets and also my "unofficial" mentor in poetry [he doesn't even know how much he inspires me lol] Christopher KP Brown had a spotlight article done on his publishing company and in it he talked about pursuing goals and catching dreams. He suggested that people read a book called 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. I immediately ordered the book and recently got it in the mail. As I type I am almost finished reading it and I just started today. I can say in a matter of hours this book changed/is changing my life because it has helped me to see things so clearly when it comes to life and achieving goals and catching dreams. I am so blessed to even have come across this book. It is already on my list of favorites and I haven't even finished it. [Within the next 2 hours I will be] I was so excited that I just had to share a passage from it that gave me butterflies and goosebumps simply because there is something/someone that I truly want in my life and I firmly believe when I saw who he was, without even knowing much about him there was something amazingly beautiful and undeniably special about him...

The passage reads...

... It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning. - Taken From 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho

This passage spoke volumes to me because I truly believe that everyone has someone for them. My mom always tells me that when you see that person you will KNOW. When I saw him I knew, that there was something about him that would awaken those butterflies in my stomach and excitement of meeting him. I prayed for opportunities and possibilities and I've met him twice and put it out there sincerely that I truly want to get to know who he is and what he is about. What makes him laugh, smile, cry, favorite color, favorite video game, childhood dream, fantasy, and fears. I want to know it all. And not because of who he is to everyone else. But who he could possibly be to me.

I may not know what the future holds. But I firmly believe that if you want something sincerely and without a doubt. Anything is possible... you just can't give up. I believe in TRUE LOVE and I believe that all the things we possess in the world, all the riches we may attain, and all the vanity of life can't possibly compare to having someone to share your world with.

When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream. - The Alchemist

23/30 - 'King'

I want to wake up to the sight of a cinnamon adonis.
Draped in God's glory.
Vocal chords dipped in heaven's elixir.
I'll see him one day.
King
Warrior's spirits echo through his veins.
I adore him.
Eyes reminiscent of Mahogany raindrops.
Love.
I'll see him one day.
King
Transparent angel's wings swathed on my french vanilla exterior.
The warmth of his rib protecting me.
Subconsciously our hearts beat in unison.
Pure second nature.
I'll see him one day.
My beautiful King.

© Tisean M. Bell Author of 'Narratives Of A Love-A-Holic' & 'ASC'

19/30 'Press On'

Star eyes pressed on limitless dreams.
Press on child.
Your pathway has been paved by the pioneers before.
The fertile soil of your mind has been cultivated by the sacrifices of cotton stained hands.
Press on child.
God has blessed you.
Mental slavery ends here.

© Tisean M. Bell Author of 'Narratives Of A Love-A-Holic' & 'ASC'

Reflection: A Star's Journey To Shine Evermore

Wow. It has been a long while since I've actually wrote something deeply personal on my blog. For those that tune in I apologize for the neglect that my blog has been getting. I suppose my mind has been experiencing a whirlwind of tumultuous yet pure thoughts. I've been trying to figure out exactly what has been going on with me and why I have chosen a path of auto-pilot type of living lately. As my 25th year of life comes to a close I sit here at my desk and think of where I was on this day a year prior.

So many thoughts loom through my mind as I think of the person I once was in comparison to the person I have become. I am almost certain that if those two people were to walk by each other on a busy street they wouldn't even have the slightest kinship to one another. I've grown. But it didn't come without a price. It took so many growing pains and plenty of lessons for me to get here but I reflect... and realize just how much God has truly blessed me.

As I look back in December 2008 I remember when I was unemployed, broke, depressed, overweight and barely existing. A struggling grad student with dreams of finishing my first poetry book and obtaining my Master's Degree. Things I honestly didn't believe I would live to see. Aside from the obvious financial burdens from being unemployed, at that time in my life I was emotionally bankrupt. I had no hope for the future and it seemed as if God had abandoned me. Now I see that I had quite possibly abandoned him. Those things I endured surely had to be a way for him to gain my attention. There was nowhere else to turn and I was backed into a corner drowning in the pool of my self-induced solitude when he was there all along.

Now here I am... December 10, 2009. Gainfully employed with a full time job w/benefits and vacation when needed. A prayer answered to the exact T. All it took was me seeking God and asking him for guidance and showing me who he was/is/and always will be. MY HEAVENLY FATHER/MY FRIEND. At the start of 2009 I vowed to read my Bible and pray everyday. I felt if I could read any other book I could certainly read my Bible from cover to cover. I have learned so much and am still amazed at just how awesome God is. [thoughts race] I sit and think of this Christmas Season and I am even more amazed. He came down on this Earth, bled, and died for me so that I would never have to be separated from him again. [and not just me, YOU too.] I thank him for that journey through his word. Along with a journal devoted to prayer. I have looked over it a few times and have witnessed just how God has been working in my life. I graduated and received my Master's Degree, My book was published and I am currently working on a new one. I am even 30 pounds lighter due to a newfound dedication to a more holistic lifestyle. I have improved mentally and emotionally although this road will be an endless one. Perfection won't ever be achieved on this side of life but I can surely attempt to make better strides each day God turns the lights on for me. I'm grateful and although I have experienced some loss I am blessed beyond measure. He is teaching me to discern exactly who is who in my life and what purpose they serve. Along with what purpose I will serve.

I sincerely believe my purpose is to write, uplift, and inspire. I take my poetry seriously because I know that I am not just telling my story. I am telling OUR story. I can only hope to improve w/each line that he helps me create. I will admit at times I get discouraged. I still believe we as POETS don't get the just due we deserve, yet we persevere. I often question my gift and then I snap back into reality and realize that if it wasn't meant for me to do I wouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't have pressed through that bout of depression and pushed my pen. I wouldn't have that passion and fire. I wouldn't have a smile on my heart that radiates and butterflies in my soul the moment I even hear the word POETRY. So I press on. And just as I was beginning to doubt some more yesterday I was told that I was an inspiration and role model to a young woman I barely know. That was extremely humbling and I was floored. It made me think like WOW... maybe just maybe... I am doing something right. In spite of the trials and all my flaws I suppose God is using those things in me to be a messenger to someone else and an instrument for God.

I don't know what the future holds for me and my writing. I can only hope and aspire to be like those who have come before me and even those who walk beside me in this beautiful experience of POETRY. I look up to those with such passion and courage. I said I would continue to work on being more open and committed. I suppose this is the start of something great. I appreciate all who are here to witness it.

Peace & Love

T

On My Mind Today - Gratitude

I read this today in my daily devotional e-mail and it touched me. Funny because prior to me reading this, I had lunch and was thinking about how blessed I was to even have that food. I fell sometimes we overlook just how much God has blessed us.


DRINKING FROM MY SAUCER

I've never made a fortune
And its probably to late now,
But I don't worry about that much
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way
I'm reaping better than I sow.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed!

Haven't got a lot of riches
And sometimes the going's tough,
But I've got loving ones around me
And that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for His blessings
And the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed!

Oh, I remember times when things went wrong
And my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke
And sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe
About the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
"Cause my cup has overflowed!

If God gives me strength and courage
When the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy
To help others bear their loads,
Them I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed!

From a song written by: Michael Combs

Acts Of Faith: November 5

I read this today and it really touched me and felt the need to share it. How are you fairing with this list?

If your brain can move your body with a split second command thought, imagine what it can do with a concentrated and directed thought. - Dr. Therman Evans

Everyone wants to know the secret of a long, prosperous and successful life. It's no secret. It's an attitude. An energy. A formula. Want to know it? Here it is: (1) Do all things in peace; (2) Achieve personal unity of heart and mind. (3) Learn truth; (4) Maintain your body; (5) Correct character imperfections; (6) Be free from fear. (7) Live in harmony with all people; (8) Eliminate worry; (9) Be poised; (10) Give love; (11) Admire, respect, and trust yourself; (12) Know God; (13) Express God; (14) Know what works for you; (16) Make, have, and keep good friends. (17) Solve your own problems. (18) Find your proper place; (19) Have a true marriage. (20) Discover and use your personal talents. (21) Acquire knowledge. (22) Share what you learn with others. (23) Relax; (24) Sleep well; (25) Awake with enthusiasm; (26) Stop unwanted habits. (27) Think positively; (28) Always give thanks for everything you have!

I will prosper because I give thanks.

Mother To Son - Langston Hughes

Beautiful Photograph By Steve Hill

This is one of my fav poems by Langston Hughes. I believe this poem shows that we have to persevere in spite of all the things we may face in life. Some things won't be easy but God builds us up and wants us to trust totally on HIM. We cannot give up. We have to push, fight, and endure. God won't give us more than we can bear. His word says so.

Mother to Son

BY LANGSTON HUGHES

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps
’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

Feelings That Need To Be Expressed... The Milk's Gone Bad

Since this is my blog I feel like this is a good place for me to just let out some feelings and thoughts. I've had a rough couple of days. I've been really emotional and kinda sad. I think it has something to do with some financial issues and also a situation with a person from my past who keeps maintaining a place in my present and future when they really don't deserve to.

I pray alot. I wonder if God hears me because he is the ONLY one that I lay everything bare with. I don't believe in sharing all of my innermost feelings with anyone else because no one will understand it fully. They may either just be oblivious to raw emotion or they may think I'm just a lunatic. I go through alot on the inside. I hate the state of my life right now in certain areas. With the economy the way that it is, it seems as if getting stable employment is a far fetched dream. But I need to take care of myself. The bills don't stop just because there is no money. It seems as if things just get a little bit worse. I just want to be able to not worry about bills. I know that there are people who are out there going through way worse situations than me, which is what keeps me a little grounded. I try to look at it like it could be a whole lot worse. I just want to be ok. I don't feel that is too much to ask. I believe I have a lot to offer people whether it be through Graphic Design or whether it is with my Poetry. My poetry is a life saver because it is an outlet for me to express deep feelings that can't be translated otherwise. I just want to be able to help people with it. I want my words to be the thing that can possibly keep someone from "jumping" so to speak, or just something that shows people that they are not alone in their trials or struggles. I have so many goals and dreams when it comes to poetry. I just hope that with some hard work and faith it will actually be able to happen.

As far as a past situation. Hmm sometimes I wonder if this relationship should have died a long time ago. I am starting to think that maybe it should've been left back in 2007. That is a about 4 yrs of my life gone that I can never get back. I mean I can't say that I didn't learn alot from it, however, I believe that many things could have been avoided. I pray constantly about this as well. What do you do when communication just doesn't seem to exist. When you try and express some deep soul shattering feelings that go overlooked. Or... what do you do when the person you love most wants you and someone else at the same time and believes it should all be okay simply because one is male and one is female. In the real world this could never happen. It could never be possible. I guess I tried for the sake of trying. But it is obvious that this is just a PURE SELFISH ACT. My feelings in it don't matter. I'm constantly stuck under the storm cloud of past mistakes and issues. but it is just that. THE PAST. I think when people can't let go of the past it is code for I am going to make your life hell because I can. You hurt me so I am going to hurt you by reminding you of just how fucked up you used to be. I used to think I deserved it. Now I know that I deserve better. Simply because I am not the same person and wont ever be. I've grown and matured. I think it is time that I grow and mature alone and cultivate myself for the man who God has for my life. I know he's out there somewhere. And I know that I will give him the world and want nothing in return but his smile and happiness. Because of this recent situation my faith in love has kind of dwindled. But I also realize that this situation is the total opposite of love.

Real love is described in 1 Cor. 13. It says...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

how may of us can honestly say that we demonstrate that kind of love. I too, have been guilty of not doing just what these words say. I am striving to get to that point and place where I am love truthfully. I just pray that I will find that person who will see it. My ex sure didn't. I tried time and time again to fix things, make things better, be honest, be open, caring, compassionate etc. part of me feels it was in vain. The other part feels that is who I am so I am going to do exactly what I should. But there is no sense in crying over spilled milk especially when it's spoiled. It clearly wasn't meant to be.

Well I just needed to get some feelings off my chest...

If anyone is out there... I'm giving the purest part of me right now.

Peace & Love,

T

His Ideal... I Believe It Is Me

I read a recent interview from Cudi in Honey Magazine... One part of the interview stuck out to me:

“Make Her Say” with Kanye and Common is a fun record dedicated to down-ass chicks. Describe your ideal girl.

I really look for personality, like is she going to think I’m funny or is she going to think I’m a maniac or a lunatic? You really have to understand me, my humor. I want a girl that can hang with me on the mental aspect of things of how I see life. You are not always going to get exactly what you want and you’re going to have to compromise. No one’s perfect. But I’m definitely trying to find someone that’s completely like my opposite and fits right in the puzzle. It’s really complicated. It’s hard to say it. But I’ll know once I get it.

Look-wise, do you have any basic needs? Like a certain kind of style, or long hair or something like that?

I don’t really have a preference. I just want a girl that’s really comfortable within her own skin. It would be nice to have a really creative girl and someone who is very independent and outgoing. You like who you like. I like girls that wear less makeup. I like girls that wake up in the morning and don’t have to do their hair for about two hours before they step out. I like a girl that’s not always into the glamour and that’s just naturally pretty, you know, that can just put on some lip gloss and just go. That’s the type of chick I like. That’s the realness. I don’t really bang with chicks that put on layers of makeup and it takes them like two hours to get ready to go anywhere because when they wake up in the morning and they look a hot mess or because their hair isn’t done. I don’t really like those makeup monsters.

The more I read the more I believe I'm just what he needs. I feel he described me to the T... {pun intended lol} I know many women out there may say they want him but really what for? Just because he is Kid Cudi? Or because he is famous? Or Because of the money, allure, perks of it all? It is sad really... I'd like to genuinely get to know him for him. I could care less about the money and fame. I'm not really interested in all of that. I'm pretty laid back and I know that money and fame can't be taken with you when you are dead and gone. It's about connection, genuine interest, bonds, etc. I'm just hoping somehow some way I will get the opportunity to show him that I get it and I want to learn more about Scott & the man behind all of the hype.



I put this pic up again because I CAN! lol

PS- I don't listen to naysayers. I know a lot of people may think I am crazy or being unrealistic but I don't believe anything is too big to attain. It's about attitude, focus, and the intent behind it.

Ok the end. lol

Am I Behind?

Just a random rant really quick. It seems as if I am behind in this whole dating/relationship thing. Every time I turn around my friends are either getting married or engaged and it makes me wonder: Am I behind? I mean most of my friends range from 26 to 31. I am 25... I long for the day I get to have the man who will love me for me and want to spend the rest of his life with me. My mother told me that when you see or find that one you will know. I truly believe that. I am a firm believer in destiny... I am waiting for mine to unfold. Sucks that I see all my friends doing it... I want to do it for the right reasons though not just because it is what everyone else is doing... I guess we have to grow up sometime huh?


Signing off,

T

The Great Hangover Tour 8/5/09

So the day finally came & I went to 'The Great Hangover Tour' featuring 88 Keys, B.o.B., Asher Roth & Kid Cudi. The concert was great for the most part aside from groupies (more so male than female lol) but it was cool. A dream come true indeed. I finally met the "Man On The Moon" Pics Below


This is the BEST picture out of all of them so "Me First.. ha ha". To finally have met someone I truly admire. It was great! He was so cool & sweet! {dreamy eyes} lol


88 Keys. Had the pleasure of meeting him after the show. Very cool dude. Dope producer as well!


Me & Mar enjoyin the night!


B.o.B. doin his thing. I heard of him b4 but I hadn't heard alot of his music. I definitely got his mixtapes after the show. This kid is refreshing.


Asher Gettin Hype


Man On The Moon Lights... That Was Awesome!


Me actin a fool... Check the Loc game though. I was a little fly that night. Mar caught me off guard with this pic though lol.


Cudi Raginnnnn! Loved it.


More Cudi.


Mar & Cudi... Nice Pic!


The greatest gift ever: So Cudi gives out a pair of autographed Chucks at every show. 1 for a girl 1 for a guy. So when he was giving it out to a girl Mar had this dude put her on his shoulders so Cudi could see her. He picked her! and she gave it to me! {She knows how much I adore Cudi... she really loves me folks} So after the show when we talked with him he said all fans with the Chuck gets to go to his Album Listening Party. HOW DOPE IS THAT! Such a dream come true.

God knows he's the best & Prayer does work!

Dear Summer

As I sit back and reflect over the summer I realize that my summer has been mediocre {at best} event wise. I haven't done anything that would correlate to a great summer. No vacations, no amusement parks, no beaches or parties. It kinda sucks because I would have loved to do all those things but situations just wouldn't allow it.

I will say though that this summer has been one filled with a bunch of epiphanies and learning tools. I was just thinking this weekend that 24 was the 'Year of the Growing Pains' and 25 is the 'Year of the Student'. I have seen so many things both good and bad that have helped me to grow into a better person and I am definitely grateful for it. From God, to relationships, to my art, to my ultimate professional goals... I can say on an inner peace standpoint my summer has been freakin acid! {weird right?} I guess I needed to be in silence and solitude and just pure stagnation event wise in order to actually see and find what God wanted me to. He has been basically revealing many things to me and putting things into perspective for me. I've dealt with a great loss in my love life and also some losses professionally but I learned alot since May.

With my love life I learned that sometimes you can't press or force love. You can't force shit to work... it just works. You can't obsess over the "why's" or "why nots" some shit just has to be. Have you ever hugged someone and it felt like your soul was breaking in half and flickering. I've had that feeling recently dealing with my ex. I miss my ex so fuckin much. But we just weren't at the place to be together. I think we both need[ed] to grow the fuck up and look at shit from a level of insight that we never had before. Like to actually lose something so priceless yet so tainted. Just a weird feeling. Like I think we had to go through all the shit we went through together to actually see that we are indeed soul mates. [I do believe Soul Mates come in many forms so you can have more than one] Just torn between trying to be too perfect and not accepting being human. I realize it is something only {WE} will understand and I am fine with that. To lose someone who is you in another body is soul shattering. But... it teaches you how to love and how not. So it's beautiful.

Professionally I just realized I gotta do my own thing. I am destined to own businesses. It is just my destiny. It is what God has been showing me. As an artist and designer I just realize that I can't design under someone else. I am on a whole different plane with designing. And yes there are many great designers out there but none like me. I'm too out the box for these rinky dink print shops that won't last more than 5 years. So I am taking heed to some advice I got from my father. [go fuckin figure, I NEVER heard any good advice from my dad so the shit is a shock to my system.] I am launching my own design firm... I am in the works of building the website and getting the legality of it together. {Stay tuned for details} But it is an amazing feeling. Just to take all the knowledge I've gained from school and piss poor management in my jobs. I learned from good examples through my professors, internships, and freelancing and learned from bad examples from these mom and pop shops that aren't worth a dime. I've learned what to do and what not to do. I've watched, taken notes, explored trial and error, established a rapport with vendors and clients and I am ready to revolutionize graphic design. point blank period.

As far as my passion... POETRY. I am so immersed in this art. The show I participated in on July 30 was so awesome! Like just to be on stage with people who share this conviction and love for this craft was amazing. It was new life. I see my purpose being revealed daily. And when I open my poetry club we as poets will be legends. We will save lives one piece at a time. Dream[z] will be realized {details later lol} But BIG things are happening. God is moving and he has been walking with me. Teaching me and molding me to fulfill the purpose he has for my life. For any of you who come in contact with this blog. Please support my work 'Narratives of a Love-A-Holic' www.amazon.com and also the work of other poets. We live and breathe this. If you can buy a CD why not buy a book too. You won't regret it.

Well that is my rant for now....

Peace & Love,

T

DC's Diamonds In The Rough Show/Thoughts

StarChild Fact: I am always extremely nervous before shows. It's like the inside of my body is havin a bad party lol. I always worry about how my work will be perceived or if I can get over the jitters. But once I hit the stage its like I become a different person. I am a very shy person normally. But performing is a whole different realm for me.

I just wanted to take the time out to speak about the show I had last night at the Gala Theater in Washington DC. I really enjoyed the environment and getting to know fellow artists/poets. I was a great vibe. The majority of folks had a very humble attitude and genuine love and respect for each poet/artist. I really appreciate what Nelson Gadson and Jesse Gadson are doing. They are supporting this art and also getting the youth involved with their Non-Profit 'Wake Up DC' I think it is just wonderful because the youth do need an outlet and self expression is a great way to do that.

I thank everyone who sent well wishes and who were there to support the show. It was great and each time I perform I fall more in love with poetry and spoken word. To me, it is FREEDOM. It is AIR. It is my PURPOSE. I thank God for it. I am humbled by the love and support I am getting from people and it makes me want to strive to become a better writer and share my piece of the world with others. My aim is to uplift and inspire. I pray daily that I am doing that.

I also believe in this profession you have to be confident but there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. No matter how long I have been writing and performing I will always have humility because God didn't have to choose me to share this with people. He could've easily chosen someone else or he can take it away. So I will remain humble. In my eyes it is not about who is better or worse. It is about who we touch with what we voice.

Please support poets. We are changing lives and the world one piece at a time... Believe that!


PS- 'Narratives Of A Love-A-Holic' available on www.amazon.com www.barnesandnoble.com www.authorhouse.com OR if you would like a signed copy. Simply e-mail me at iamaloveaholic@gmail.com

Be Blessed!

T

Something I Needed To Read Today

"Moments in Life"

1. There are moments in life when you miss someone so much
that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them
for real! So cherish them while they are with you.

2. When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often
times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the
one, which has been opened for us.

3. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even
that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because
it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the
one that makes your heart smile.

4. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be
what you want to be, because you have only one life and one
chance to do all the things you want to do.

5. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough
trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human
and enough hope to make you happy.

6. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

7. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures
and heartaches.

8. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around
you was smiling. So live your life so at the end, you're the one
who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

9. Don't count the years-count the memories...........Life is not
measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments
that take our breath away!

Something My Mommy Sent 2 Me {Faith}

July 13, 2009
How God Builds Your Faith: Dream
by Rick Warren
"Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes" (Ephesians 3:20 LB).

Faith is like a muscle: it can be strengthened. It can be weak or it can be strong, depending on how much you use it.

How does God build your faith? He uses a very predictable pattern that we will look at this week, and, if you understand it, you can cooperate with Him in developing greater faith. It's like when the father, seeking help from Jesus for his son, said, "Have pity on us and help us, if you possibly can!" (Mark 9:22 TEV)

Jesus replied, "What do you mean, 'If I can?' . . . Anything is possible if a person believes" (Mark 9:23 NLT).

The first thing God does to build your faith is give you a dream. When God wants to work in your life, He'll always gives you a dream—about yourself, about what He wants you to do, about how He's going to use your life to impact the world.

There are many examples in the Bible of this.

• God gave Noah the dream of building an ark.
• God gave Abraham the dream of being the father of a great nation.
• God gave Joseph the dream of being a leader that would save his people.
• God gave Nehemiah the dream of building the wall around Jerusalem.

How do you know when a dream is from God or when it's just something you've thought up yourself? The Bible tells us that God, "by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes" (Ephesians 3:20 LB).

In other words, if a dream comes from God, it will be so big in your life that you can't do it on your own. If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't need faith. And if you don't have faith you're not pleasing God, because the Bible says whatever is not of faith is sin (Roman 14:23).

God starts to build your faith by giving you a dream. He may be speaking to you now, but you just don't recognize it for what it is. That dream you have—the idea, the concept, that thing you've been thinking about doing that would be of real benefit to other people—where do you think that idea came from?

God will never tell you to do something that contradicts His truth. In other words, He won't give you a dream of leaving your family and kids and moving to Hollywood to be a movie star. If you've got that dream, then you can know it is not from God.

God starts with a dream as He works within your life to build faith.

Top 5 Reasons Kid Cudi Should Date Me!

So. Many people know about my crush on Scott Mescudi aka Kid Cudi. People laugh at me but I don't care. They think because he is a big star that it can't happen. I am a believer that it can because my intentions are good and I don't care about fame & fortune. Just as quickly as a person gets it, it can get taken. ((Not that I wish that on him just saying)). I have thought about 5 reasons why I feel he should give ME a shot despite the probable outpour of groupie love he is getting. These reasons aren't in any order but just 5 key points lol.



1. I GENUINELY CONNECT WITH HIM AND HIS MUSIC. HE IS SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL. I know he has helped many people with his words and music but I believe we are a lot like. We are both loners, we both love good music, we both are silly, we both have a story to tell, we are both extremely creative, we are both SNEAKER FREAKS!, and we both are shy as ever. lol imagine that two awkward shy people. ((hey it can work lol))

2. I AM NOT A GROUPIE. If I ever got a chance to date Kid Cudi I would want to take HIM out. LOL YES I said I would take him out. I think groupies just want a celeb so they can get the perks of meeting other stars, money, and bragging rights of saying they boned a celeb. Even if Kid Cudi was NOT Kid Cudi I would still find him very attractive and just the type of guy I would want to date. I am not interested in his money, fame, fortune, etc. I want to get to know him for him. Not because he is a rapper. I just happen to have been "introduced" to him by his music.

3. I HAVE MY OWN. I am not looking for any type of handout. I have 2 degrees, a career of my own, and aspirations of my own. I am not looking to have him just because he is a star... kinda goes back to point number 2. I have my own dreams and goals so I don't need anyone to validate me. It would just be nice to actually have someone to share the success and stuff with. I am not the type of woman to be a leech. So he would never hear me ask him if I could have the credit card and go shopping with it. I believe a person should buy gifts if they want to... not just because they can.

4. I GAVE HIM A PERSONAL SHOUT IN MY BOOK. I was asking a close friend of mine if I should hop out there and give him a shout in my book. When I first starting listening to Cudi and when I saw him I was just amazed. Like wow this dude is such a breath of fresh air. He just exudes uniqueness and thats what stuck out. I have a lot of influences when it comes to my writing/poetry and just hearing his mixtape and seeing his interviews really inspired me. I thought hmm maybe I should give him a personal shout and if I ever get a chance to meet him I can GIVE him the book and show him just how much of an impact he is making with his music and message. I just believe in him and support what he is doing.

5. I AM A PLAIN JANE GIRL! I saw an interview where the girl asked him about his love life and if he was single and all that. My eyes lit up when he said that he loves Plain Jane girls who just have Natural Beauty and all that. I was like wow this guy is dope. I mean honestly good women like me get looked over because we aren't on that whole model chic type thing. I like keeping it simple and to the point. It really made my day to hear him say that. It kinda lets me know he's not some shallow guy. I admire that. Once again I know plenty of ladies want him but I wonder what their intentions are. I mean don't get me wrong. He has absolutely NO reason to believe anything I say but I would hope somehow he would see just how sincere I am. I mean truthfully how many women really even would have paid him any mind if they hadn't heard Day N Nite? That's not even my favorite song. My favorite song(s) are actually 'Embrace The Martian', 'Man On The Moon', 'SuperBoo' and 'Whenever'... Yes I know the WHOLE catalog and am proud of it. LOL. But seriously. I would love to be the woman he knows is down for him and is not in it just for fame and fortune and the whole hollywood life. I just wanna get to know him. I wonder if this can happen... I guess I'm steppin out on a limb lol... but if I could I'd definitely wanna make "Mr. Solo Dolo"... Solo NO more. :)

Cudi hit me up, I'd like Scott to meet Tisean ((smiles))

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

I meant to blog about this over the weekend but I didn't get a chance to but now I am. One thing that baffles me is how some people don't believe in God. He is all around us. He loves us and cares for us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if you can find traces of Jesus' bones then let me know LOL. But the point I am trying to make is... in life we constantly complain about what we DON'T have. But what about what we do have? Eyesight, Hearing, Speech, Food, Shelter, Clothing, Etc. A lot of people don't have these things we deem as so basic. In this day and age we need to be grateful. People are losing their jobs, homes, etc. Let's take the time to be grateful for what we have. People are too busy looking at their glass being half empty instead of running over!

I can speak for myself and give the testimony that God has been blessing me. When I lived in New Jersey I didn't have a job the whole time I was in grad school! A WHOLE YEAR. I still had rent, car note, car insurance, gas/electric, internet/cable, credit card bills and everything else. BUT through it all he sustained me and provided for me and I am grateful. If you don't believe prayer works I am a walking example that it does. Once I graduated from grad school I had been searching high and low for a job. I had no success at first but I prayed and prayed and asked God to grant me a job where I utilize my degrees and like doing it. Too many people work at companies where they hate what they do. I didn't want it to be me. So I had an interview at a Print Shop for a Graphic Designer position and felt pretty good about the interview afterward and got called back to discuss the job even though they previously had someone in mind, I got the JOB! GOD IS GOOD! Believe me when I tell you. I got a job as the LEAD designer in the shop doing what I love and being appreciated for what I do. I am so grateful. I just wanted to share how good God is... If you don't believe me try him out for yourself.

In regards to many things in my life a song always pops in my head: 'Great Is Thy Faithfulness'. It is a constant reminder of just how much mercy God shows us.

Here are some of my favorite lines in the song:

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hands hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

I hope this touches someone!

Peace.

My Brain... My Heart... My Life

Starchild Fact: I am a very introspective person. I think alot.

And lately I have been examining myself and trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I am doing here. Like what is my purpose? I think I have pretty much found it... POETRY, ART/DESIGN, GOD, & PHILANTHROPY are my purpose. I just want to help people and use the gifts I was given to do it. I consider myself to have a HUGE heart... Lately I don't think I have been as giving of that heart as I should be. I find myself using my past experiences as excuses to be a jerk... Most importantly to the ones I love so in order for me to fulfill my purpose in life I have decided to take a break from all social media and just chill. I think the internet a hinderance for me right now when I am trying so hard to improve. I feel like there are a lot of major positive things ahead for me in life and I have to be prepared for them. I believe I am going to make it BIG. And not in the sense that I will have super ridiculous amounts of money but I am going to be a person that everyone is going to want to touch and know about. I have a pretty decent number of people rockin with me now but soon it is going to be overwhelming so I just have to be ready for it.

I am taking myself on a spiritual retreat. Just me and God. Talking, fellow shipping, and him molding me into a better person. To do all that I can't be on twitter and facebook, or blogger, or any of these other sites for a while. I have to focus on me and rise above all the demons eating away at me. I think I am a very complex person with so many layers even I don't understand myself at times. So I have to focus on taking apart those layers examining them and figuring out which ones need improvement and which ones need to just be trashed all together.

I'm not sure how long I will be gone but I know I have to do this for me. I think we as a people are so connected with this whole internet thing that we lose connection with genuine face to face interaction and ummm go figure REAL LIFE. We are attached to things that are supposed to bring us together yet silently tear us apart. Cell phones, internet, tv, etc. So as for me I have to let go of these things for a while and be productive. While we are busy on the internet indulging in gossip we are wasting time when we could be reading books, learning, living, etc... Instead of texting why not go see the person. It's like people don't have time to do everyday life things anymore. Life was a lot more full i think without these things. So I am taking a break from them and examining my life... where I stand with my creator... and where I want to stand with those I love.

So... for those who come across this I hope you all are blessed and remember God loves you and he is REAL... just listen to the birds singing in the day time... they sing songs Man could NEVER write. Just food for thought.

.:: Off to the stars I go::.

Peace & Blessings

T

A Quote I NEEDED to read today!

From My Leadership Professor Lisa Harris

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson (author)

This quote speaks volumes to me right now because there is so much that I want to do but sometimes I am very fearful in doing it. I am struggling to erase that fear, trust in God, and allow him to use me as he sees fit with the gifts he has blessed me with. I am constantly working to eliminate fear and do what I am here to do which is uplift and serve through my artistic abilities and poetic gitfs...