Wow. It has been a long while since I've actually wrote something deeply personal on my blog. For those that tune in I apologize for the neglect that my blog has been getting. I suppose my mind has been experiencing a whirlwind of tumultuous yet pure thoughts. I've been trying to figure out exactly what has been going on with me and why I have chosen a path of auto-pilot type of living lately. As my 25th year of life comes to a close I sit here at my desk and think of where I was on this day a year prior.
So many thoughts loom through my mind as I think of the person I once was in comparison to the person I have become. I am almost certain that if those two people were to walk by each other on a busy street they wouldn't even have the slightest kinship to one another. I've grown. But it didn't come without a price. It took so many growing pains and plenty of lessons for me to get here but I reflect... and realize just how much God has truly blessed me.
As I look back in December 2008 I remember when I was unemployed, broke, depressed, overweight and barely existing. A struggling grad student with dreams of finishing my first poetry book and obtaining my Master's Degree. Things I honestly didn't believe I would live to see. Aside from the obvious financial burdens from being unemployed, at that time in my life I was emotionally bankrupt. I had no hope for the future and it seemed as if God had abandoned me. Now I see that I had quite possibly abandoned him. Those things I endured surely had to be a way for him to gain my attention. There was nowhere else to turn and I was backed into a corner drowning in the pool of my self-induced solitude when he was there all along.
Now here I am... December 10, 2009. Gainfully employed with a full time job w/benefits and vacation when needed. A prayer answered to the exact T. All it took was me seeking God and asking him for guidance and showing me who he was/is/and always will be. MY HEAVENLY FATHER/MY FRIEND. At the start of 2009 I vowed to read my Bible and pray everyday. I felt if I could read any other book I could certainly read my Bible from cover to cover. I have learned so much and am still amazed at just how awesome God is. [thoughts race] I sit and think of this Christmas Season and I am even more amazed. He came down on this Earth, bled, and died for me so that I would never have to be separated from him again. [and not just me, YOU too.] I thank him for that journey through his word. Along with a journal devoted to prayer. I have looked over it a few times and have witnessed just how God has been working in my life. I graduated and received my Master's Degree, My book was published and I am currently working on a new one. I am even 30 pounds lighter due to a newfound dedication to a more holistic lifestyle. I have improved mentally and emotionally although this road will be an endless one. Perfection won't ever be achieved on this side of life but I can surely attempt to make better strides each day God turns the lights on for me. I'm grateful and although I have experienced some loss I am blessed beyond measure. He is teaching me to discern exactly who is who in my life and what purpose they serve. Along with what purpose I will serve.
I sincerely believe my purpose is to write, uplift, and inspire. I take my poetry seriously because I know that I am not just telling my story. I am telling OUR story. I can only hope to improve w/each line that he helps me create. I will admit at times I get discouraged. I still believe we as POETS don't get the just due we deserve, yet we persevere. I often question my gift and then I snap back into reality and realize that if it wasn't meant for me to do I wouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't have pressed through that bout of depression and pushed my pen. I wouldn't have that passion and fire. I wouldn't have a smile on my heart that radiates and butterflies in my soul the moment I even hear the word POETRY. So I press on. And just as I was beginning to doubt some more yesterday I was told that I was an inspiration and role model to a young woman I barely know. That was extremely humbling and I was floored. It made me think like WOW... maybe just maybe... I am doing something right. In spite of the trials and all my flaws I suppose God is using those things in me to be a messenger to someone else and an instrument for God.
I don't know what the future holds for me and my writing. I can only hope and aspire to be like those who have come before me and even those who walk beside me in this beautiful experience of POETRY. I look up to those with such passion and courage. I said I would continue to work on being more open and committed. I suppose this is the start of something great. I appreciate all who are here to witness it.
Peace & Love
T
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