So I've decided to take a spiritual retreat away from things and most people and just immerse myself in my art and reading. Currently I am reading a few books but one key book is 'In The Meantime' by Iyanla Vanzant. I'm only a few chapters in but this book is definitely needed. I initially had it at the bottom of my stack of new books but do to current situations in my life I decided that maybe I should read it and possibly gain some more insight on this thing called love. Sometimes I believe we have a distorted perception of what love is or what we think it is supposed to be.
In the book Iyanla Vanzant lists 13 of the most common things we do in search of love or a relationship in which we want to be loved.
1. All the signs say this is not the one, but you ignore your internal alarms, and move ahead into a love fantasy. [This is something I definitely did once or twice. It kind of sucks but hindsight is always 20/20]
2. Because you fear being alone, or because you belive you cannot have what you want in a relationship, you accept the first person who comes along, only to be left, beaten, ripped off, or impregnated and then left, beaten, ripped off.
3. You confuse friendship and niceness with romantic love. [Sometimes I feel my friendship is mistaken for romantic love. It gets kind of difficult to deal with at times. BUT I am a very loving person]
4. Because someone is nice to you and you are not used to it, you don't know how to say no to them when you realize they are not who you want.
5. You get caught up in the packaging and promises. [I took this to mean that we tend to have these high expectations for that "ONE" and we are superficial so we miss out on something great.]
6. You force your desires for a relationship onto another person, or issue an ultimatum. Because the person does not know how to say no, s/he goes along with you... for a while. [I know I am guilty of doing this in a very distant past but also I have had this happen to me more recently. For that reason I had to leave those situations alone.]
7. Because the other person expresses and interest in you, you respond without really exploring if this is who or what you want. [My ex did this to me. Left me for someone who they didn't even really know]
8. You allow blind faith which leads to blind love to take you into a relationship that is unhealthy.
9. You choose to believe that what your partner has done to another person, s/he will not do to you.
10. Sexual compatibility is mistaken for love. [I think we all have done this dumb shit lol Sadly, sometimes sex is JUST that. BUT it is 2010... cut the casual stuff out.]
11. You stay in a relationship although you are miserable trying to work things out even when your partner shows no interest in working through the difficulty. [GUILTY in my past and also received my Karma by having it happen to me.]
12. You don't express what you really feel because you believe it will hurt your partner's feelings. [I experienced this so much with my ex because they were so sensitive, everything I said was turned into an argument if it was something they didn't like. I felt like I was trapped. It was sad. But I learned.]
13. You choose to believe your partner's lies even when you know the truth. You act like you do not know what is going on when you do.
... Whether you are in the midst of a divorce, separation, break-up, or a heated argument, the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to avoid the temptation to blame the other person for what you are feeling. It's you! It's you! I know that's a bitter pill to swallow... Sooner or later we must all accept the fact that in a relationship, the only person you are dealing with is yourself. Your partner does nothing more than reveal your stuff to you. Your fear! Your anger! Your pattern! Your craziness! As long as you insist on pointing the finger out there, at them, you will continue to miss out on the divine opportunity to clear your stuff. Here is a meantime tip - we love in others what we love in ourselves. We despise in others what we cannot see in ourselves.
Amazingly, just those few passages put so many things in perspective for me. I think we all have been guilty of this type of behavior and these misconceptions. I can speak for myself and say that I am learning so many things about myself and it is scary to really face myself but it is definitely necessary. I want something beautiful so in order to have that I must love God and self and be honest with myself and others in the process. I am enlightened and thankful to learn more. I needed this.
I hope one day it will all pay off and I am grateful for all that God is showing me.
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