To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

I remember a time when I was happy... when I smiled about everything and enjoyed life as it came. Now I feel as though im alone in a dark room looking at nothingness... hoping one day I will snap out of it. I find myself more angry, more lonely, more depressed... and I wonder why. Is it because I can't stand being in new jersey? or is it because my friends don't call? is it because I miss my mom? or is it because I miss my brother? Is it because I constantly wonder why I'm overlooked when it comes to work? Is it because I wonder why I'm overlooked when it comes to love? why do the guys look at me as just a friend? is it because I rock jeans tees and timbs? I wonder what its like to be the girl everyone is attracted to... but then I wonder what's the use? No one in society ever sees what's inside... its all about the outward appearance... I used to be able to cover up my sadness but now it overpowers and pours through with no hesitation. I'm trying to figure out why I am sad. am I sad because of what I wish I could accomplish that I haven't yet... or am I sad because I fear what I have accomplished isn't quite enough. Enough to satisfy the fact that when I lie alone in my bed I feel like maybe I'll always be alone... I wonder will I have my beautiful angels? will I marry my king? will I be satisfied with myself and all of the gifts God has given me... despite those good things like education, health, and almost seeing 25 I still feel empty inside. Hollow, no heart, no love, no joy, just sadness... I think about an old best friend I had... she was supposed to be there for me but she decided to be selfish and leave... I'm thinking now... would the person I am now want her back in my life in present day 2008? hmm probably not but I wonder what it may have been like had she stayed... I think about another friend I had who was emotionally cheating with me... and at the first sign of their boo walkin out the door they dropped me like I was nothing... funny how people change like the seasons... I remember when someone else I knew felt like they could buy my affection but after all the sneakers have been bought, and the other meaningless material things have been obtained.. what is there? nothing but just lack of connection... I remember the one who has chased and chased me... finally caught but they thrive on having everyone in their face... attention seeking... setting me aside to the background... yet wondering why I'm not satisfied...nor am I thrilled at the monotony we engage in on a day to day basis.

I'm the type of person all I need is a friend... yes I have jesus and he is wonderful... but it seems like sometimes when I pray he just doesn't hear me. so I wait patiently hoping the next day I'll feel better, but I still feel the same sometimes worse. I just need someone to talk to... someone to watch tv with, laugh and joke with, someone who will help fill this void that I feel since moving here... I don't know what to do... no one to talk to so to whom it may concern... it's Tisean... just expressing some feelings... sometimes anger takes over... sometimes emotions run wild... sometimes I just don't get it... so I indulge in design, I indulge in writing... I indulge in music... thankfully 808's and heartbreak came out and helped me sort through the pain.. now that I've accepted it... how do I get over it?

Kanye said it best "If I hadn't been through the terrible things I've been through, that I was the victim or cause of, that I couldn't deliver art on this level, and that's the good out of it."

I guess I'm here for a reason...but my pain goes unheard, unnoticed, unresolved... I tried God... tried my friends... tried within... yet I still feel empty...

when I look in the mirror... its like my reflection is flickering. everyone has their share of problems... I just wished I didn't have to endure mine alone... I guess that's what growing pains are about. Internally I'm hurting... my heart beats differently... its beating at a broken pace... a rhythm that has no melody... yeah that's me. Broken, sad, lonely... now that I've let it out... what do I do now?

Signing off,

Me