My Footsteps

So as my 24th year of life comes to a close I realize that I have been tossed and turned and going through it. I have dealt with two people in my life who really can't understand my position and the stress that I go through on a daily basis. I mean hey we all have our problems and issues but what happens when you have two people who you love dearly at each other's throat and always putting you in the middle of bullshit. COuld it be insecurity on their part? Could it be unwillingness to listen? Could it be them not really knowing what they want yet placing the blame on you? Could it be just a combination of 3 people being human? Quite possibly. I'm at a crossroads... because I refuse to take this BS in 2009... My 2009 will start December 30th 2008. I will be 25... the quarter life... time to start taking situations into my own hands yet placing God at the center of my life. I cannot and will not tolerate negative energy... because energy is real. U go somewhere and get around a person who is just negative for no reason and then it brings you down? That is because they are transferring that negativity into your life and into your spirit. I have let this happen too many times this year. From insecure friends, to insecure lovers... to emotional cheaters, to liars, to downright unhappy people.

I have my own path to walk... my own life to live and my own struggles... I can't carry the burdens of everyone... I do what I can and yet it is never enough... especially for these two. Everything is always about them... when is shit gonna be about me, my innermost thoughts, needs, and feelings?... I am tired... I need positivity in my life... If this can't be achieved then I am leaving... it might hurt for a while... but it might hurt me more draggin this shit along... A song I listened to fir perfectly with my mood today:

Until By Radio Raheem (DeVaughn)

Now to understand the struggle
To understand paying dues
And the pain of my people and your people, all around the globe
You gotta feel me
Listen to the music--use it

[Verse 1]
What you know about juggling jobs and struggling hard and chasing dreams
What you know about having no car and rent being due and no bling bling
What you know about sacrificing all your wants for all your needs
What you know about loving your child, just to find out it ain't your seed

[Chorus]
Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only till then, you only know what you think you know

[Verse 2]
What you know about hittin that block and dodging them cops to make ends meet
What you know about the lights being off, the gas being off and no food to eat
What you know about Goodwill clothes, while all your friends dressed fly in junior high
What you know about Grandma's words when she said One day, boy, you're gonna shine

[Chorus: x2]
Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only till then, you only know what you think you know

[Verse 3]
What you know about writing late at night, by candlelight till the shit is tight
What you know about late night prayers, and late night tears, hoping God (tell me what you know)
What you know about earning your keep, because you don't bend, break, or ask
Don't you know the last'll be first (Hey) and the first will be last


Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only till then, you only know what you think you know


I respect Raheem for another line in the Song Love Experience He said:
"From the fake I've lost... to the friends I've gained... I figure why question it? Change is a good thing. Plus with dead weight you can't travel light, besides I was born to fight, so I'm gon' be alright."

Until you have walked the 24 years 11 months and 17 days of my life... I can't even begin to feel you on any level... If you wanna be in my life POSITIVELY be there! If not!.... You gotta fuckin go! Period...

Signing Off,

~T