The Life Of A Loner

StarChild Fact: Even when I am surrounded by hundreds or thousands of people I still feel alone. I am just the loner type I guess. It seems like the older I get the more I keep to myself. I guess a lot of things that have happened in my life has made me this way. I kinda feel like the latter half of this year I have been on autopilot... Just a pure fuck it type attitude. I realize that when you exert too much emotion you get hurt. Sadly as much love as I have to give I only show it to family and CLOSE CLOSE friends... everybody else gets the autobot... Not sure if its conscious or subconscious. Either way it is who I am becoming.

I think it may be a few reasons why:

1. My father wasn't around since I was 12. I mean like yeah I see him sometimes but he hasn't been an instrumental force in my life. I think because of his absence I just became harder... more of a bulletproof version of myself. To go from Daddy's Girl to not havin him around was a blow to my life. Having a dispassionate attitude helped me cope.

2. The last 2 people I fell in love with dogged me to the point of no return. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it. Possibly because of all the bullshit I used to do from lying, to cheating, to just bein a plain asshole. However I've changed so much and matured. I think we all get to that point and place where the games and bullshit just isn't necessary anymore. I feel like Karma came as it was supposed to, when I finally decided to clean up my act. I did vow I would never put anyone through what those two put me through and I am gonna hold true to that. it is just going to take a very like minded person to come along and make me feel things I never thought I could feel. Until then... I keep all emotion surface related.

3. Sometimes I get uber depressed... I think it stems from the hardships I've had mentally and financially. So because of that I kinda shut down. I feel like a tree ready to top over at any moment. And there are only 3 people who I trust to always be there for me no matter what and 1 of them is God. When I starve, have bills, and chase dreams... those 3 are the ONLY ones who have ever been there riding the waves with me through it all.


I think that about covers it... Just some random thoughts I needed to get off my chest.

Thanks for reading... if anyone ever reads.

Peace & Love