So it's about 1:37am... I'm sitting up listening to Sweeny Todd. ((weird ass movie btw lol)) Thinking about things and wondering what's next in my life. In exactly 15 days I will be graduating with my Master's of Science. Am I excited? Ehh... define excitement. I'm not even sure what that is any more.I haven't been excited about anything in a very long time. With the exception of my book... 'Narratives Of A Love-A-Holic' Cop IT! May 2009 ((shameless plug lol)) But seriously... it seems that poetry is one of the few things I love that actually loves me back... with no conditions or judgement. I don't know if I love anything more than poetry. It has been that friend I needed when no one else would listen... so I let my heart bleed over the pages I write on. ((Although technically I don't write poems down until completion in my brain)) I wonder... if I wasn't writing what would I be doing? Granted I love drawing and graphic design but I am not sure I have been AS passionate about it as I should be... or used to be.
There has been so much going on that I just can't seem to keep a solid focus on anything let alone be happy about much. Have you ever wondered what your purpose is in this world? I am struggling to find purpose lately. I look up to the stars at night and I'm just like wow. I know there is a God... I whole heartedly believe in him... I just wonder what is his assignment for me? What am I supposed to be doing with my life. Every time I look for jobs I literally get panic/anxiety attacks. It's hard out here. And with the news always reporting negativity it is really hard to see what meaning life has. At least for me. I'm tired of hearing about bad shit... I want to hear about good shit. People wonder why some folks just dead themselves... it is because the world is full of negativity! I'm tired of the negativity. Where is the light? I need to see some at the end of the tunnel... 2 degrees and for what? I'm still trying to figure it out.
I went to see The Soloist tonight. I believe that movie to be one of the most profound movies I have ever seen. I enjoyed it. Helped me to really understand that in life what people think is normal really isn't... and also that when a person is deeply passionate about something it can give life meaning and purpose. So I guess I just wonder if poetry is that thing for me. I believe it is... but how can I be sure? I guess I just have to step out on faith... Along with many other things.
Lately I have been overwhelmed with Loneliness... I honestly feel like Kid Cudi had me and a lot of other people in mind when he wrote Day N Nite. I feel that song so much. I realize the older I get the more of a Loner I am becoming. I think I am becoming a Loner for a few good reasons. 1. You can't trust people. They are always out for some ulterior motive. Few people are genuine. I can't surround myself with impostors. I truly don't see the point. 2. I sincerely feel that most people don't get me... and well if you don't get me why be around me? It is pointless. 3. I think God is trying to tell me to really get to know Tisean and he is molding me... even though the shit hurts. He is doing something to me... which is causing me to be alone most of the time. But I guess I should just hope and pray for the best because as cliche as it sounds it has got to be for a reason.
Last night I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I decided to let go of 2 people that I love very deeply. One of whom isn't even worth my love and the other... well, let's just say I am a royal fuck up... but also the situation just isn't healthy for me or them right now. I have to really get myself together. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you love someone and they love you yet they want to bring someone else into the equation? I think we ALL have been there at some point or another. I was/am in it now. I decided to just bow out gracefully. After last year I just can't compete for love. I truly feel my heart isn't strong enough for it nor can I exert that type of mental and emotional energy. I want someone who will love me and ONLY me. JUST ME... take me as I am... I am a great person. An asshole at times... a bit temperamental... but genuinely caring and loving. I am hoping one day I can stumble upon that person who accepts me as I am and understands I am complex. I have alot going on with me right now which is causing me to respond to life differently... I need someone with Patience... not someone who wants to bring another person in the picture "until" I get back to being the way I used to be... because honestly I don't think it will ever happen. It is called growth! No person is ever gonna be the same they were yesterday and if they are that's a problem. I'm a piece of coal being beaten into a diamond. I just want that person around who can endure the process and witness the end result. My heart hurts but it is a dull aching pain... not one that is debilitating but still pretty painful. This person doesn't even realize they are my world. But i guess I haven't been expressing that. One day I will be brave enough but I need my love to be appreciated not taken for granted and used as a means to manipulate me. To the one who did manipulate me Karma is an Ugly bitch... forrrrrrr sureeeeeee. I hope you endure exactly what you deserve. ((harsh I know)) but everyone needs to get it at some point. Love is a subject I seem to coast by in... Not an A+ student but not failing either... I think I'm a good B-... maybe one day I will get an A... Scott if I get you... I will make sure to pass with flying colors, merits and honors... ((sigh)) But enough about that shit. LOL
I have dreams...BIG BIG dreams. Some might say I dream too much... but without dreams life would just be a dark hole. As bad as things have been I still need something to hope for. I want a loft soon... I want my own business to be a rare jewel in the community I choose to live in.... I want my angel babies... I want to write music with all the stars I admire and respect... I want to be able to travel the world and see what good is left of it... Those are my dreams... I wanna look back on my life and say... yeah I lived! Upon graduation so many things have got to change... and so many things have got to happen. Maybe it is good I am going back home... I need a sense of comfort but also just a change of scenery. Jersey just isn't doing it. I feel like I've had to fight to be up here... 2 years of fighting... I don't wanna fight anymore... I just wanna be happy... so I gotta reach for that happiness. Sometimes I wish I could just like go to Hawaii and live there for a while... or travel all over and just see things... no work, no obligations, just freedom to see things that I never even knew existed. I just want to float away from the normalcy of a pain filled life. People have no idea what I go through on a daily basis internally... I just need to spread my wings and fly to a calming beautiful spiritually renewing zone... I hope soon I will be able to.
Well... that's enough of my rambling. Just needed to get some things off of my heart. That IS what this is for right? LOL
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