I haven't randomly just wrote some feelings in a while and since I have no one else to talk to I guess this is the best way to get out my feelings. Seems like History keeps repeating itself in my life. When it comes to love and relationships, everyone that I have ever truly cared about has always wanted me AND someone else. This is starting to lead me to believe that something is wrong with me or like I am just not adequate. Why can't I be loved whole heartedly? Yes, I have made mistake in my past but now I am a totally different person. Why am i continuing to be punished for mistakes I made years ago. It seems like all this just happens around the same time. This time last year, someone whom I loved so deeply came back into my life and I thought we were going to get close again and maintain a genuine friendship. Little did I know romantic feelings would spring up deeper than I could have ever imagined. Too bad this person was in a relationship. I should have just left it alone then but I didn't I stayed and continued to try and be friends knowing that my feelings were deeper. We were intimate, spending time together, and constantly talking to each other only to have the whole situation end up in disaster and that person staying with the person they were with. Despite telling me they loved me and never wanted me to leave their life again. I guess that is life. I was so devastated. I don't even think that person ever told their significant other they cheated or anything.
It hurts because I gave my all. I did whatever I was asked and never wanted anything short of seeing a smile on their face. But I got crushed and I guess it was my burden to bear for all the mistakes I've made. Now here we are present day 2009. I have strong feelings for someone in my life however they want to have me and someone else at the same time. How am I supposed to accept this? Should I accept it? Should I be ok with it simply because of all the things that I have done in my past. I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON! Yet I have to keep getting my heart pulled out of my chest and hurt. I get angry about it. Sometimes I let my anger get the best of me. But now I just see how all of this is changing and affecting me. I am no longer comfortable saying I love you to someone. I don't like showing vulnerable feelings. I don't even like a person getting too close to me in my personal space. I feel like I am ruined. All I want is for someone to just love me for me and ONLY me. I have been going through so much lately from near homelessness, to daily starvation, to just severe depression. I just feel alone. I pray and I pray hoping that the pain will go away. Or maybe things will be different but they aren't. Sometimes when I'm alone (which is nearly 98% of the time) I just fear that it will always be that way. Just me and 4 walls alone.
If it wasn't for poetry I'd probably be dead. Because it is the one thing that helps me to keep going. I can't even seem to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life as far as a career. Everything just seems black. I'm even crying as I type this. Why does a broken heart have to accompany other problems. It is bad enough my heart is heavy but then I have to deal with no job, no income, and bills on top of bills. Sometimes I ask God what is the point of living. Just to wake up everyday to struggle and sadness? I just don't understand. I know I am a talented writer and artist but what is that going to get me if every job I look for requires years and years of experience. I'm just lost and alone. I feel like my soul is slowly escaping my body. I'm in pain and don't know how to get it out. Hell, I don't even know who my friends are anymore. I need a change and a miracle. My emotions burn within my soul and cause me to not be able to function. I just wanna be truly happy... I try to be grateful. I try to still give love and accept love... I think I'm running out... if not ran out of everything... how do I go on? Prayer isn't helping... nothing is helping... I just feel trapped inside of my own body. Fighting to get out and spread my wings to become better...
What is the purpose of life? Pain is all I've known for about 3 years. My tears go unnoticed and my cries go unheard. I'm lost...
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